CandyCornFields

So.. a lot of shit has been happening in my life the past 7 months.
My little sister has autism to a point where I can't really come home. My best friend and roommate moved back home 6 months ago to be closer to his new girlfriend and I've been having a hard time trying to get a hold of him. He's  also told me that we can't be as physically close (platonically) as we used to. I get why, and I absolutely respect that, but it still hurts.. And it just made me that much more lonely. Cause now I am alone most of the time, and it's scary.
I had to quit my job, because my boss was awful and kept bullying me, to a point where I started stuttering when talking to customers. And it sucks, cause I really liked my job.. And I was actually good at it. I have no income, and can't get any help, because I have "too big a fortune" to get money from my local council, and it just.. sucks. I feel like I'm being punished because I've been reasonable with my money, putting a specific amount into my savings, no matter how little my income was some months. And I've been saving up since college. While everyone around me, who has a much bigger income than I've ever had, just waste their money on stuff they don't need, and then cry every time they get to the end of the month with no cash, or suddenly are faced with an emergency that cost money (moving, pets, travel etc) - it's just so.. infuriating!
My mental health just went into a downward spiral. First I stopped eating. I either wasn't hungry, or didn't have energy to cook anything. Then my personal hygiene started to suffer. I didn't want to leave bed, I didn't want to get up to brush my teeth or take a shower. I just wanted to sleep and stop hurting. But I didn't sleep. I couldn't. Because once my head hit the pillow, so did the invasive thoughts. And I'd start having an anxiety attack. So.. to avoid the dark thoughts in my head, I'd end up watching TV until I physically couldn't stay awake any longer. And I'd pass out. Then slowly, I started to lose interest in all the things that once brought me passion ond joy. It just all felt so hollow.. like it didn't even matter anymore. Nothing did. And it scared me. Until it got so bad I felt like I was losing my mind. One day I was so low, everything felt pointless, it didn't matter that I tried everything in my power to get better, my family couldn't help, my friends couldn't help, my best friend did nothing, the system and all the doctors I'd spoken to refused to help, even when I came to them crying, screaming, begging them to help me so I'd stop feeling so goddamn miserable, no one would help me!
I started getting these really dark pictures in my head. Glimpses of myself with a jar of sleeping pills. With a noose in my hand. With a knife cutting my arteries. And it was too much. I called my mom, it was the middle of the night, but she knew I hadn't been feeling well, so she picked up. I cried and told her I was scared and didn't want to be alone. So my stepdad came over and stayed the night. The next day I got an appointment with my doctor. My mom was there too. I told them about the pictures in my head, and that I'd been drinking to try and sleep. My mom cried.
So. On recommendation from my doctor, I got put into intensive mental care. At a psychiatric hospital. They did some tests, I talked to 2 different doctors and a nurse. And I told them everything. But they couldn't help me yet, because I hadn't been diagnosed. So they prescribed me with a sleeping aid, and sent me home the next day.

That was about two or three months ago. I've now been diagnosed with anxiety (maybe depression) and ADD caused by brain damage at birth. We were all quite surprised at the last one, but looking back at all the struggles I've continually faced my entire life - it all kinda makes sense now. And yeah, it's not fun to have a diagnosis (or several). But, at least there are meds that help. Like a lot. And I start treatment in about 2 months time. I'm not ok. But hopefully some day, I will be. For now I'll keep fighting to get better.

I know that not a lot will read this, and I can't honestly tell you, why I'm even writing all this. I guess I just needed to vent out all the bad air a bit. If someone actually does see this, thank you for sticking around til the end, I guess. And for taking interest in my life, in a way.

I should sleep..
It's late. My heart keeps racing, my stomache is hurting
I have to get up tomorrow but I can't sleep
Instead I am listening to Nirvana and drawing vent art
And I've barely eaten all day

What am I doing...

Well I just recently completely broke my computer, and so far no one have had any luck recovering any data.
That means that all my recent drawings in progress have been lost. Permanently
But my summer vacation is closing in (only two more exams!) so I'll have lots of time to redo some and make new ones!

Hope you all are having a good day! And I am looking forward to show you some of my new work

Peace out!
_{*PCHOOOOOooooooooooooo....*}